The Ringer

Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with
it right from the opening face-off.  Either way, without a ringer, your
team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit
up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including
promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most
effective, however, is let him play for free. It’s simple math, really. Everyone
else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the ‘DD’ Division
title.

The Young Guy

At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young
guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But
it’s time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job.
The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an
increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to
him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he’s just another player, huffing
and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.

The Old Guy

Forget the 50-and-over league; that’s not for him…even though his
gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the
old guy can be an effective player, especially if he’s a wily old guy –
a hook here and a chop there, because that’s how they did it when
professional athletes were real men. ‘Eddie Shore — now there was a
hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself.. Never
missed a shift.’

The Tardy Goalie

Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not
like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.

The Beginner

Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the
beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and
take up hockey in your 40’s. On the other hand, learn to take a pass,man..
It’s right on your stick, for Christ’s sake. How does that knock you
over?  And now you’re friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at
every game, no matter what time or what day.  Sunday night playoff game
at 11PM – no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.

The Complete Psycho

Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or
fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie,
challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop — all in the repertoire. Do not feed
the complete psycho. He doesn’t want to be fed. He wants to hunt.  And, look
to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.

The Naked Guy

Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch
their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not
the naked guy. He’ll carry on full conversations, and you had better
maintain eye contact like your life depended on it….or come face to face with
the swinging sausage.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend

An excellent way to lower everyone else’s fees is to load up on a few of
these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games,
tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else’s and it’s not like
you’ll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the
guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new
wife…at which point he’ll never miss another game.

The Organizer

This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to
do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play.  Is
frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a
pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he’s a really nice guy.  Is often
heard in the dressing room saying ‘Sorry guys, that one was my fault’
and if he’s lucky somebody will chip in something like ‘No worries
Donny, it’s a team effort.’ What everybody is really thinking is ‘Hey
Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right,
that was your fault.’  If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart
enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.

The Minor Hockey Allstar

Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills
but after you get zero passes you’ll get the picture.  This guy topped
out at ‘AA’ Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to
his helmet.  Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing,
(no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey
dickhead I’ve been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next
corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a
blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other
team.  Cut this guy.

The Johnny Try Hard

Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they
have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape.
They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won
athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all
in the same year.  Guaranteed they have a membership at the ‘Running
Room’.  Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off
guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.

The Stanley Cup Champion

This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score.  If this
is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching
him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot
bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of
the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your
team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck
from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front
of the other team.

The Tough Guy

This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight
and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice.  In extreme
cases he will ‘cheap shot’ another player. The fact that your beer
league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of
courage.  What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent
someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy.
There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with
him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.

The Wrong Guy

Not to be confused with ‘The Complete Psycho’.  This guy shows up,
doesn’t say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen.  The kid
that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on
Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the
East Cost 3 years ago.

The Gary Roberts

Can be described as being way too intense.  This guy is one of your
better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play.  At
the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the
worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of
house-leaguers.  He believes the game should be played a certain way and
despises ‘pond hockey’ style play with no back checking or positional
assignments.   Most likely is suffering from a complex of ‘unfinished
business’ from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some
shred of glory via the rec-league championship.  This guy is probably
better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.